dirty little secret

dirtylittle @ 2006-12-30T15:41:00

2006-12-30T23:43:07Z

i think people need to stop blaming the media and society for giving people the wrong idea about what beauty is, because peoples' lack of self-confidence is no one's fault but their own.

dirtylittle @ 2006-12-05T17:00:00

2006-12-06T01:00:44Z

definitely NOT a dirty secret,
but a little one..

a friend of my boyfriend's who i met at his [my boyfriend's] surprise party, was cute to an extent that i desire to comment on it. nothing scandalous, "unfortunately," if you might call it so. it's just me, secretly giggling about new people i meet.

& this is an even little-er secret..

i love that my boyfriend's friends are generally all attractive, take care of themselves, & know how to act in public. those were good grounds for me to start becoming friends with them, & it makes them all that much easier to get along with. i love when nothing gets in the way of everyone getting along & having a good time.

(i obviously love my boyfriend, and none of this affects that.)

dirtylittle @ 2006-11-27T14:05:00

2006-11-27T22:05:15Z

i think people are completely spineless for hiding behind secret-community journal names or anonymous comments when they say something controversial, or something intended to get a rise out of someone else.

if you don't have an account of your own, why are you on livejournal, giving strangers a hard time about something you have nothing to do with? i mean you can share your secrets, that's the purpose of secret-communities, but why waste your time saying asinine things?

hey, even if we don't know who you are, karma does. you'll get what's coming to you in some way or another. i just wish you would think first, you fucking idiot(s).

dirtylittle @ 2006-11-05T00:08:00

2006-11-05T08:08:27Z

i am one of very few people i know who is able to separate actions from feelings. like i would be able to hook up with someone without it meaning anything. i guess i have learned to stop my emotions like that, when and if i really want to. in a previous stage of life it was a very useful mechanism.

on an entirely unrelated note... baby: you cannot be afraid of disappointing me because i consequently fear putting you in positions to let me down. if you make me feel bad, you don't have to beat yourself up over it, you just need to take responsibility. and if i feel bad, i don't need to make myself the victim, i just need to express my feelings in a way that they are understood. at that point we both compromise and i say you can feel however bad or not bad for hurting me, and i can be however mad or not mad at you for your lack of understanding.

uhh that isn't exactly what i want to say but since this journal is my attempt to be honest and open i'll just leave it. thank you friends.

dirtylittle @ 2006-10-30T10:43:00

2006-10-30T18:51:05Z

at the debut, you said "are we gonna have one of those [big projector screens]?" i think you may even have said "are we gonna have one of those at ours?" and i thought/felt you were talking about our wedding. i asked you to clarify and you said "when we live together in our apartment." haha youre so cute.

after the party you carried me into the hotel suite and put me down on the bed, and it was totally like a honeymoon carry. i love you.

i think you want to marry me but you won't say you do. you always tell me not to worry about it. it's okay to want to, baby. it's not like we're planning on it at this point in our lives. i'm sorry if you feel like i'm "ruining" our moments when i say something about wanting to marry each other, but i just love you that much.

kiss kiss

dirtylittle @ 2006-10-26T20:15:00

2006-10-27T03:16:37Z

DON'T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE ANY RESPONSIBILITY TO ME.
YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS IS ALL FUCKING RIGHT.
WELL THANKS ASSHOLE
I'M SO MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW

there's nothing that can't be fixed by 8 amazing girlfriends in one double dorm room
family is all you need, even if you belong to a band of adopted individuals
and love conquers all. <3 so give love one more chance again and again

dirtylittle @ 2006-10-24T23:40:00

2006-10-25T06:40:30Z

you are fucking shady for saying you were okay with me having my boyfriend over late
and then writing me up for it when you were mad,
resulting in having him restricted from visiting
by the fucked up residence life office

it's entirely ridiculous that you get upset when other people think you suck for doing that
maybe you shouldn't have and maybe you should fucking accept consequences for your actions
you should definitely think before you act so it doesn't bite you in the ass later
you also need to get the fuck over me because you had your chance to make it work
when you fucked that up, you had your chance not to make it worse
but you're fucking that up
and i was the first one to say i didn't want to be friends with you
do you know how ridiculous you look because you went back on your words
"i honestly don't want someone like you in my life"

you are immature for being unable to accept that i just don't like you
treating me this way was a huge mistake
you can ruin yourself with what you did to me
and i wouldn't have to lift a finger.

karma bitch!

dirtylittle @ 2006-09-17T19:34:00

2006-09-18T02:36:37Z

i think people would talk about me (good talk and bad talk, neither of which i really like) if only they could find the words.

for that i can thank myself... my nature has let me build my own defense.

dirtylittle @ 2006-08-31T23:51:00

2006-09-01T06:52:23Z

i am talking shit about my roommate. who i actually love, for most of who she is. but.

i've known you since march. now i've lived with you for a week now.
and i don't think you'd like being in the "skank sorority"
(reasons:) you go to bed sooo early and all you do before then is study.
you complain about sooo much without doing anything about it.
even though i understand that you almost died when you went to the hospital,
you play it like you're more special or like you're different/better than everyone.
you don't smile and i think your social skills aren't the appropriate type;
you didn't even TRY to have a good senior year, like
you SKIPPED SENIOR PROM oh asb president.

so why do you all of a sudden want to pledge?
(besides that i'm doing it because i want the experience,
because i'm social, because that's how i want to have my fun)

i feel like you don't want to let me be better than you at anything
you don't want me to be able to do anything that you can't do too.
if i crack a book you want to know what i'm studying
(so we can be at the same place or so you can be ahead)

(secret)
you don't seem to like to think independently when other people are around, able to see your true colors.

i should just let you figure it out or let you fuck yourself over
as you sit on the fringe of a slow social suicide.
but i keep you in a position to be close to me. i trust you.
seeing this mask of yours GETS ON MY FUCKING NERVES
and makes me feel uneasy about our friendship.

(crossing my fingers that this will improve over time, especially by the time we become sorority sisters)
and i have faith in you K

by telling my secret to the public / strangers, do i expect it to disappear? no i don't. but this is all i can do for now. as you can see i am pretty desperate. send good vibes my way.

dirtylittle @ 2006-08-31T02:34:00

2006-08-31T09:35:14Z

this is a secret because i can't tell anyone
because haters out there want to ruin lives

my life is marvelous.
i am smart, i can take care of my appearance, i have a work ethic to be admired, i have an outlook on life that is a little idealistic and though there's stuff i haven't figured out, people respect this about me, my loved ones show it well and i love making extra efforts to show everyone just how much i love them back.
this is amazing.

dirtylittle @ 2006-08-25T02:59:00

2006-08-25T10:02:35Z

i'm embarassed that i enjoy reading about celebrity activities. i was okay with having this interest until someone (who happens to be a stranger) showed disapproval of it.

i hate that sometimes i feel too much like i have to impress people.

i hate finding flaws. i know i'm not perfect but i'm usually confident enough to be strong.

at times like this i'm so weak.

dirtylittle @ 2006-08-23T11:18:00

2006-08-23T18:19:18Z

i wish i were strong enough to live my realizations
that falling in love with you, learning how to build and maintain a relationship with you was incredible enough to satisfy me in this part of my life,
and that if we can't be together for"ever" that i would not look for love anymore, that i would instead focus my attentions on other parts of life, my dreams, my goals, my aspirations outside of love.

i wish i were strong enough. i'm definitely on my way there, but what no one sees under my I-Can-Do-Anything exterior is that i'm scared of having to adjust to being without you and i'm scared of being adjusted to being without you.

if i ever were to be that strong, i wish that i would like it and that it would make me happy
even though nothing can replace the value of how much you and we mean to me.

( we're still together and we're very happy but i am at a part in my life where i am making decisions as to what i believe and the ways i might want to live. that's all this is about. )

dirtylittle @ 2006-08-23T00:54:00

2006-08-23T08:13:12Z

my name isn't anna but it's close enough. this journal isn't meant to disclose my identity, just my secrets (of which there are few), or things i want to say but don't know who to tell, or words i want to spread. things everyone knows, or things no one knows. basically this is me, publicly anonymous, however oxymoronic that may sound. i hope you like me. kind of.

some ideas i support:

[ with limits; i think eating meat is natural but i excessive
animal cruelty in factory-farms is unnecessary ]

HOLLABACK
[ "you have the right to feel safe, confident, and sexy
without being the object of some chauvinist's fantasy" ]